atheism, Existentialism, Pastafarianism, PZ Meyers, Richard Dawkins, Sacasm, Sam Harris, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Invisible Pink Unicorn
Okay, believers, you got us!
Atheism really is a religion after all. Yes, I know, some of us have been denying it for years, but I personally just can’t keep up the pretense. I am tired of living a lie, and I must confess to the true nature of my beliefs. I have to open up about my faith and let my spirit-flag fly!
I pray every night. Yes, I do! It goes something like this; “Oh Father who art not in Heaven…” On special days, I ask my non-God to give me a nothing, or maybe a pony. I ask it to confer its non-blessings on those whom I love, or at least I would do that if we atheists were capable of loving others. When I am really mad I say imprecatory prayers in those hopes that the nothingness will embrace my enemies in its nonitude.
Does that surprise you?
Well, we let me tell you about the scriptures! I read a passage from Dawkins every night. And then I meditate on it. (It used to be old Berti Russell, but I have come to see him as a false prophet.) The important thing to know here is that I do not merely think about Dawkins text, I meditate on it. I have to get in just the right frame of mind, and let the spirit of the nothing come upon me, and then it all comes clear.
Those of you who do not carry the spirit of the nothing in your heart will never quite understand the writings of atheists, for it will close your eyes and lead you astray. Seriously, the nothing will take one of your socks (or maybe a pen) every time you approach it in a false spirit. You may think this is unfair. How could an unjust nothing be so cruel? But you have only yourselves to blame for rejecting the nullitude.
We atheists always keep our socks!
So, what do I do when I have to make a decision? Well, I used to address every moral dilemma by deducing he proper action from the non-existence of God, but in time I came to see this is a pointless theological exercise. Nowadays I simply ask myself “What would Chuck do?”
I can also go to one of several living authorities on the subject. American Atheists are always happy to provide spiritual guidance and direction. One does not simply speak to Dawkins or Harris on these matters, and the scientifically impure burst into flames when meeting PZ Myers in person. You have to go through intermediaries. I am always a little fearful when speaking with these ministers of the Non-God, because I do not wish to anger them and face ex-communication.
I dabbled briefly in the cults of Pastafarianism and Her Hornyness, The Invisible Pink Unicorn, but through careful reading of scripture and some intense personal questioning (to say nothing of guidance by properly constituted non-believing authorities), I have come to realize that these are but cults leading those new in the faith (the “Baby-Atheists”) astray from the one true path.
To help me stay on course, I consult either the Positivist’s Creed or the Essential Doctrines of Existentialism.
Sometimes I go door to door with The Origin of Species. When people answer, I say; “Do you have a personal relationship with Charles?” If they will talk to me about it, I always ask if I can come into their environment and adapt with them.
Yes, all these things are true and more. We heathen don’t share these things with believers, because atheism is a gnostic faith after all. You have to go through at least 3 levels of initiation before you get your secret decoder ring. Only then will the prophesies of Nietzsche become clear to you.
It’s all true.
Atheism really is a religion.
I should also say that my favorite hobby really is not collecting stamps.
If you get threatened for being an atheist, you can go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program. I was agnostic until a NDE, now I’m cured.
Heh, you guys catch at least as much flack as we do. At least I’d still be intellectually deviant. Hm…
I’m not a Witness, just a believer in a greater force.
Ah, well may the nullitude spare your socks.
Stacy Alexander, Writer/Artist said:
I have just read your blog for the first time and must say, you are a brilliant writer! Thanks for the refreshing read!
Thank you Stacy, yo are very kind.
Thanks for your kind words.
The Unapologetic Hippie said:
Too true! Too funny! You had me projectile vomiting into the nothingness and absurdity. Used to be THE high school teacher in Allakaket, where the Altana and Allakaket rivers converge. Know it? Yes, you are northier than I ever was, but north enough to appreciate a lot of what you say. You are surrounded by nothingness. I envy you!
Okay, this was AWESOME (I love a little Bertram myself, false prophet or not)! My poor husband lives in fear that I’ll spout atheism from the rooftops and our Christian neighbors will stone us. To appease the portion of the populace who believes that a non-religious person is incapable of maintaining a moral code I usually describe myself as a Pastafarian. I haven’t checked into Her Hornyness yet- but now I’m looking forward to it!
I regularly have visions of Darwin, but the existentialists give me nightmares (I had a traumatic experience with Beckett in high school- never been the same since).
May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage,
You are very kind
Actually reading Russell played a key role in my own deconversion. After reading the Koran, the Age of Reason, and quite a few Theosophical writing (not to mention trying learn astrology), I knew I was less than pleased with religion, but it wasn’t until I started reading Russell’s essays (and I think a bit of Camus) that I decided to just say ‘no,’ so to speak. (How’s that for a run-on sentence?)
May the blessings of Her Hornyness be upon you!
Jessica Accardi said:
Just another “less than pleased”
The Nothing? Like in The Neverending Story?
I had forgotten about that movie. I must watch it again. …and meditate upon it.
Somebody had his wheaties this morning
I just couldn’t hide it any more. I had to come out!
Just be careful, Dan… if you read Nietzsche backwards… shudder… the hidden messages are all about bunnies and rainbows… it’s some VERY sick stuff.
Don’t make me get out the comfy pillows!
My father used to say “it takes more faith to believe in nothing than to believe in something.” So, why are you afraid to believe there is something out there?
Atheists don’t “believe in nothing.” They just don’t believe in gods. Or did you miss the sarcasm?
No, I didn’t miss it, just jerking your chain,
Hm, Katrina, you might be more devious than I thought). 🙂 Did I just miss a good bit of intentional irony?
It’s a common take, one with which I obviously disagree. If you’d like to have a serious discussion about it, then I think we need a different starting point. You’ve buried a rather significant claim into that question of yours. We could discuss that assertion, or we could try out a different question. I’m open to other alternatives.
Truthfully, what do you believe? are we created from cosmic mush or is there something bigger than us at least partially in control?
Truthfully I don’t believe in Belief itself. I think it’s highly overrated.
I do not claim to know where we come from. I think it’s quite fascinating that divinity has become so bundled up with the notion of creation that questions of universal origin stand as proxy for debate over the (non-)existence of God(s).
I’ve never heard a compelling case for believing in God or gods, and one has to make a judgement call, hence my atheism. Yes, my conclusion goes a bit beyond my actual evidence, but that is typical of inductive reasoning. Am I open to other possibilities? Sure, I’m happy to discuss them, but what do I believe now? Nothing. As fascinating as religion and spirituality can be, I’m inclined to just say no.
As to “something bigger,” this is simply too vague to affirm. A lot depends on what that something is supposed to be. Presumably you don’t mean just physical scale, but beyond that,what is it supposed to be? I’m not inclined to give a blank check on my beliefs, so I won’t be affirming “something bigger” anytime soon.
Kathy Orlinsky said:
As to the whole ‘atheists believe in nothing’ idea, it implies that theists believe in nothing *except* God. What, they don’t believe in gravity, or proper nutrition, or spending time with their kids? If they can have those beliefs plus God, then we can have them without God.
Maybe they believe in all those things, but think God was necessary for them to exist.
Thank you Kathy,
On belief in nothing, satire aside, I certainly wouldn’t suggest that atheists as a group believe in nothing. I tend to say that I myself believe in nothing, but that’s really the start of a critique of Belief as a cultural construction. I’ll probably tap something on that out soon.
Dude, that’s hilarious.
Rodger Jacobs said:
I do not pray to a singular “god” or godhead, however I have daily conversations/desperate pleadings with “the universe”, if you catch my meaning, essentially any higher or spiritual power “out there” with influence over the ebbs and tides of my fates and fortunes. And I honestly would stack the results of my chats with the universe against a hundred Hail Mary’s any day.
Rodger Jacobs said:
Reblogged this on The Brimmer Files.
Heh, I’ll wager that you are right on the post above. Thank you very much for reblogginng.
Rodger Jacobs said:
You’re more than welcome. I like your blog and your notions. In Junior High School and the early years of High School in the San Francisco Bay Area of the 1970s I was an AP (Advanced Placement) student and lucky enough to be part of a public education system that was very progressive-minded, meaning that at age 14 I was offered courses in Comparative Religions and Transcendental Meditation (the latter to determine if AP students could excel even more with regular TM breaks during the afternoon). Too bad that curriculum was only ‘experimental’ and never went on to greater application in other public ed programs nationwide. I know I benefited from it greatly.
A bit like the loss of art programs in schools, because some ass thinks it isn’t essential.
Wonderful post. Entertaining AND informative! 😉
Kerry Dwyer said:
I am glad I was sent here by Samir to enjoy your posts. I’m afraid I am not an atheist. I have never been that sure of anything. I find the whole concept of certainty very frightening.
Thank you for posting, There is certainly no crime in not being sure, but I do remember the anxiety I felt in the early days of my deconversion. The subject can be rather disconcerting. I hope you can find your way clear of that, whatever decisions you may make.
Denise Marie Merat said:
I send mental messages to my other selves in parallel universes.. Hopefully we can help each other get through this carnival called existence. Great post.
Okay, but if you get any messages back, then we may have a problem.
I slightly disagree with part of your theory: I’m an agnostic and I never lose a sock but I’m always losing my pens, so you’re batting .500. However, since I’m an agnostic who does the weekly laundry for his Christian wife and part-Christian son–they are frequently missing a sock from each washload so your theory is battng .1000 for them and I must merely be its instrument. Well done.
lol, I don’t have a snappy heathen come-back for that one.
depending entirely on your definition of religion, sir xD
I’m a dispassionate nihilist- we have no no one to talk to and keep our socks safe.
You socks are like the bikers of foot apparel; theirs is a dangerous ride.
Reblogged this on galaxybureau.
Hey, thank you Galaxy.
Wallace Studios said:
Was an aethist for years. Gave up on all of them. Just enjoy now. You made me laugh. Thanks.
An enjoyable read – you raise a number of points that are excellent food for thought.
Thanks for coming by my blog 🙂
You will probably burn in non-hell for your blasphemy. But then, living in Alaska, you’ll probably enjoy the heat! 🙂
Nancy Farmer said:
Thank you for such an entertaining post (and for liking mine!) Laughed out loud… not from a desire to take the piss, but because it’s all soooo true! 😀
How delightful and refreshing! I am so glad you stopped by one of my blogs enabling me to find yours! This is a threat, I will be back! 🙂
Reblogged this, it’s brilliant, so eloquent – They say it’s in the Genes http://avgenes.wordpress.com/
ha, this was a pretty good slam at that pathetic attempt of theistic projection…anyway, thanks for liking my post, I look forward to reading what you come out with next.
Awesome post! Made me laugh out loud.
Really great post! I feel like you might appreciate this ‘lil illustration I made awhile back… https://twitter.com/sloshyboots/status/194553607046172674/photo/1
Lol that’s awesome. …needs a little M.C. hawking in the background. You know the song! 🙂
Often the living die? So, why follow them to death? The answer is?
A very interesting perspective. I had a feeling about this all along ;). Thanks for stopping by my blog. It’s nice to see that people of different “faiths” can still be civil, humanitarian, and honest with each other. Keep blogging my friend.
Thanks for the enlightening post. I learned quite a bit from clicking on all those links you bothered to put in there. Any religion that espouses pasta and horniness is one I can get behind (so to speak).
I’ll leave you with the immortal words of W. C. Fields: “Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.”
Pretty Symbol… Pink and purple on Black. Futuristic like a spaceship… I’m an atheist also but don’t care enough to bother writing a post. HOWEVER, I’m outraged by Holy Wars, Crusades and The Pope telling people to not use birth control… That, I protest online.
fréderic Vidal said:
Atheism is the biggest afraid religion from the main 3 monotheist ones … regards
Gretchen Del Rio said:
Thank you for viewing my art blog. I meet so many interesting people responding to those who stop by my blog. I was raised by an atheist. Supposedly he was agnostic, but I never saw any traces of a belief in a higher power other than he was a naturalist. But, then, isn’t that a pretty good sign that he was thinking quite deeply and reverently about creation. I learned to love and respect nature by his teachings and will always be grateful for that. Also, at a time when females had no rights, my father accorded me all the rights of a male child. I am not the least bit religious, but I embrace spirit in my own way. God is a much misused word as is love. Take those words out of the realm of worldliness and you have the profound.
Thanks for the like.
James Walker said:
I was raised atheist/agnostic or something of that nature. I’m nearly 60 now and I have started to believe for the last ten years or so that “God” is in or can be found in quantum physics. I found out just by chance there are many scientist that think the same thing. Have you ever read, The Dancing Wu Li Masters by Gary Zukav
It’s great. It’s not really light reading but it’s interesting. Thanks for having a look at my new blog. I have lots to learn about doing this blog.
Have you discovered Bokononism (https://beautifulrailwaybridgeofthesilverytay.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/blasphemy-for-the-day-bokononism/) yet?
Thanks for the vislit and the like.
Daniel Digby said:
Thank you for setting the record straight. So many people mistakenly think that atheism isn’t really a religion. I, too, pray every night before going to bed just in case no one is listening to me. I know that bountiful blessings must follow you wherever you go.
Since I know no one has said it to you before, I’ll pray for you.
A wonderful combination of wit and wisdom. Thought I’d fall out of the chair when I read “Do you know Charles?”. Thank you
First Night Design Cards & Gifts said:
Very funny and very thought=provoking. Thanking you liking my most recent post, by the way. I refuse to do put ‘btw’ as I don’t believe in text/twitter speak.
First Night Design Cards & Gifts said:
I certainly wasn’t thinking when I wrote the above and see I’ve written some gobbledygook sentences! Still, I hope my general drift is clear.
As George Carling said, ” But he loves you” How refreshing and funny your post is. I don’t think that I have ever believed in Fairy tales even when I was forced as a child to go Sunday School. I just sat there and said, “no way” Lucky for me I can stay in the middle of my twelve acres and create my art free from “believers ” knocking at my door. I do get tired o hearing “God bless you” WHO? I am not doing this for your god!
I’ll say a prayer for you.
Thank you for visiting my blog today and for liking “A Favorite Flower for a Favorite Friend”. I just read through the post above and all of the comments. Wow! I am a Christian, born, raised, and committed. With that said, I can say your post was informative, and funny. I think the key is in the terminology. When people are Christian, Buddist, Muslim, etc., basically part of an organized religious system, it is easy to define them with definitive words describing their faith or beliefs. For many who have been in a specific faith system all of their lives there is a lack of knowledge and/or understanding of the other belief systems – organized religion and other. The one thing for certain is that there are people in religious organizations who are not “good” people, and there are people, like you, who are good, kind, citizens and not part of an organized religion. No matter what the faith, it is imperative that we all try to live in a peaceful, caring, moral way, together. Respecting each other’s beliefs and the world around us is also critical to a harmonious society. Over the years I’ve found that I need my faith like I need water. My faith has given me strength to get through many very difficult and challenging situations and it gives me peace knowing there is grace and hope. What I don’t condone is pushing ones beliefs on others. You did a nice job writing your post by providing information without being forceful, and including humor. Many people have difficulty doing that because they can’t think past their motive of converting others. I’m always willing to answer questions about Christianity, I am far from an expert, but can usually answer the basic questions, if any ever arise, but I won’t force my faith on others who are uncertain.
All the best to you!
Juliana Lightle said:
I love this, laughed out loud, and am still smiling. Personally, I am more of a strange mixture of Buddhist (who by the way do not believe in god or gods or goddesses) and some sort of ancient pagan thing. On the whole I just do not care much and when they gave out genes for religiosity, did not get any.
Enchanted Seashells said:
Sorry I didn’t respond to your like a long time ago, a bunch of emails was in a weird folder on my laptop. But thank you! and I like your blog, too.
Brilliant. I particularly enjoyed your neologism, you got me on that one, I tried to look it up!
I just heard about the “almost” school shooting in Georgia. I bring it up because the HERO school clerk who talked the would-be shooter into surrendering said something to the effect of, ‘I prayed for him. I’m no hero, I turned it over to god.’ Sigh.
So “god” saves the children of the elementary school in Georgia, but ignores the children of the Sandy Hook elementary school. Have I got that right?
Those children in Newtown must not have been praying hard enough.
How did I miss this one? Surely, I will comment once sober.
Hahahahaha! I realize this one is older, but I was intrigued by the title, and laughed out loud at the “May I come into your environment and adapt with you.” I was going to wax philosophical with my remarks, but I’ve decided to leave, tongue planted firmly in cheek.
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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… great post! 🙂
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Dennis Sweatt said:
Really funny. Thanks for that.
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Ignorant puerile bullshit.
If you have a thought to share, feel free to do so. Otherwise, move along.
I Write Art ✏ (@dennissweatt) said:
Atheists Have No Idea If God Really Exists https://biblecrazy.blogspot.com/2017/12/atheists-have-no-idea-if-god-really.html
“I always ask if I can come into their environment and adapt with them.”
Cheesiest biology student pick up line, ever.
How, oh, how could you leave out His Fiery Holiness the Dalai Hitchens? He’s like a Shiite Atheist. Whenever I’ve been exposed to excessive idiocy and my eyes hurt from rolling, I cleanse myself with a little Hitchens. It’s like swishing with wine after a bad oyster.