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Okay, believers, you got us!

Atheism really is a religion after all. Yes, I know, some of us have been denying it for years, but I personally just can’t keep up the pretense. I am tired of living a lie, and I must confess to the true nature of my beliefs. I have to open up about my faith and let my spirit-flag fly!

I pray every night. Yes, I do! It goes something like this; “Oh Father who art not in Heaven…” On special days, I ask my non-God to give me a nothing, or maybe a pony. I ask it to confer its non-blessings on those whom I love, or at least I would do that if we atheists were capable of loving others. When I am really mad I say imprecatory prayers in those hopes that the nothingness will embrace my enemies in its nonitude.

Does that surprise you?

Well, we let me tell you about the scriptures! I read a passage from Dawkins every night. And then I meditate on it. (It used to be old Berti Russell, but I have come to see him as a false prophet.) The important thing to know here is that I do not merely think about Dawkins text, I meditate on it. I have to get in just the right frame of mind, and let the spirit of the nothing come upon me, and then it all comes clear.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Those of you who do not carry the spirit of the nothing in your heart will never quite understand the writings of atheists, for it will close your eyes and lead you astray. Seriously, the nothing will take one of your socks (or maybe a pen) every time you approach it in a false spirit. You may think this is unfair. How could an unjust nothing be so cruel? But you have only yourselves to blame for rejecting the nullitude.

We atheists always keep our socks!

So, what do I do when I have to make a decision? Well, I used to address every moral dilemma by deducing he proper action from the non-existence of God, but in time I came to see this is a pointless theological exercise. Nowadays I simply ask myself “What would Chuck do?”

I can also go to one of several living authorities on the subject. American Atheists are always happy to provide spiritual guidance and direction. One does not simply speak to Dawkins or Harris on these matters, and the scientifically impure burst into flames when meeting PZ Myers in person. You have to go through intermediaries. I am always a little fearful when speaking with these ministers of the Non-God, because I do not wish to anger them and face ex-communication.

Her Hornyness!

I dabbled briefly in the cults of Pastafarianism and Her Hornyness, The Invisible Pink Unicorn, but through careful reading of scripture and some intense personal questioning (to say nothing of guidance by properly constituted non-believing authorities), I have come to realize that these are but cults leading those new in the faith (the “Baby-Atheists”) astray from the one true path.

To help me stay on course, I consult either the Positivist’s Creed or the Essential Doctrines of Existentialism.

Sometimes I go door to door with The Origin of Species. When people answer, I say; “Do you have a personal relationship with Charles?” If they will talk to me about it, I always ask if I can come into their environment and adapt with them.

Yes, all these things are true and more. We heathen don’t share these things with believers, because atheism is a gnostic faith after all. You have to go through at least 3 levels of initiation before you get your secret decoder ring. Only then will the prophesies of Nietzsche become clear to you.

It’s all true.

Atheism really is a religion.


I should also say that my favorite hobby really is not collecting stamps.