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I don’t like the shape of Illinois. I don’t know why, and I don’t mean anything against Illinoisians, but there is just something about the shape of that state that just seems wrong to me. Chicago lake is kinda cool, but that’s just the upper corner. Anyway, I don’t like the shape of Illinois. I just don’t.

I don’t dislike the shape of Illinois nearly as much as the shape of Wisconsin though. In fact, I feel kinda guilty about Wisconsin. Looking at that state makes me feel kind of like a bully. It’s strange, because I don’t think I’ve ever really been mean to Wisconsin. Still, I do feel I owe the state an apology. Something about the shape of it makes me feel that way. I don’t know why.

Texas? Now Texas has an interesting shape. You can find all sorts of stories in it’s shape. Those stories may feature men in cowboy hats, but I swear you can see them in the lines that define its perimeter. You can try and tell me I’m wrong, but pardner, you should probably smile when you do.

Nevada seems like one day it oughtta just slide right on through.

If you threw California just right, would it curve around and come back to you?

Alaska is a fist with the pinky extended. I live on the knuckle of the thumb.

I can’t help but think you could pick Virginia up and use it like a club or a baseball bat.

Both Dakotas, Nebraska, and Kansas, the whole lot of them need butter and syrup. A side of bacon would be nice, but at I don’t see it on the table.

Louisiana is a mug, but I only drink from it on Christmas.

Idaho has diminishing expectations. Either that, or it belongs on a lab beside a fat beaker and a consistently skinny test tube. It’s the odd one that you only use for certain special experiments (probably involving potatoes).

Colorado really ain’t all that hip, but if you lay the state out flat, parts of it do get high.

Utah has a nice place for your thumb and a good broad surface to mix all your pigments.

Washington and Oregon both look like airports to me.

West Virginia doesn’t look all that west to me. Not even close.

You could pick the whole country up by Florida, but if that’s what you’re going to do, I really think you should crook your pinky. Also, sip slowly. Don’t gulp.

Mississippi? Precisely!

I swear Oklahoma has been playing a prank on Texas forever. It’s not really that funny Oklahoma. Seriously, just give it a rest!

I’m pretty sure that Tennessee is a shard of flint. I think I read about it in a story about Thor and some Giant.

New Jersey is all over Pennsylvania. No means No, new Jersey. Not cool!

Massachusetts? No. MassachYOUsettes!

Maine is how that rain in Spain stays in the plain.

Connecticut the end off and that’s how the Island Rhode off.

I did not Michigan. I didn’t even Mish the first time!

New York is always bigger than I expect it to be. I try to remember that it’s bigger  than I think, but then I still end up realizing it’s bigger than that even.

I can never find Missouri on a map. Someone always has to show me.

Maryland doesn’t exist. It’s just a conspiracy.

You say Ohio; I say goodbyo.



(I realize this is an incomplete list, but others could probably riff off the other states better than I can, and besides, this really isn’t the most serious of posts. Except for throwing California. I feel quite certain, it would come back. Yes, it would.)