Category Archives: General

I use this when I’m really not sure what else to do with a post.

Won’t Someone Please Think of the Children? …No Really!

29 Wednesday Aug 2012

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Sometimes you just get a wonderful glimpse into the priorities that guide people’s decisions. Take for example this campaign from One Million Moms. They want people to take action against this ad:

Now frankly, I can’t make up my mind whether or not the ad is post-modern brilliance, or a broccoli fart filtered through used bong water (though I am leaning a bit towards the latter), but the Million Moms are screaming bloody murder. They have posted the following diatribe against this travesty of marketing brilliance, …er, bullshit:

We are not sure of Skittles’ thought process behind their new ad, but if they are attempting to offend customers, they have succeeded. Skittles’ newest “Walrus” commercial includes a teen girl making out with a walrus. The two are on a sofa in an apartment kissing on the mouth when her shocked roommate walks in on them. Parents find this type of advertising inappropriate and unnecessary. Does Skittles’ have our children’s best interest in mind? Skittles candies are for all ages, but their target market is children.

Skittles Marketing Team may have thought this was humorous, but not only is it disgusting, it is taking lightly the act of bestiality. Let Skittles know their new ad is irresponsible.

What interests me most about this whole screed, is the rhetorical question. “Does Skittles’ have our children’s best interest in mind?”

I don’t suppose it has occurred to any of the One Million Moms that the purpose of the ad is to sell CANDY to their children.

And I’ll leave it at that.

***

Special thanks to Jessica Bluemke. It was her guest post on The Friendly Atheist where I first stumbled across this little gem of …something.

Quote-Mining Makes Baby Jesus Cry

31 Tuesday Jul 2012

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Mean to da Kitty!

…and I’m a bad man.

…Okay, I really do hate quote mining, at least when it masquerades as serious scholarship. But the collection of quotes on my Facebook page is not serious scholarship, or at least that’s not what I had I mind when I collected them. I just thought they were cool. So presenting (for your entertainment) a few of my favorite things:

***

“It is not that humans have become any more greedy than in generations past. It is that the avenues to express greed had grown so enormously.”
– Alan Greenspan

***

“The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover didn’t know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night, anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow’s hands.”
— Will Rogers

***

“Tables, chairs, and open chests would have suited Jesus best. He’d have caused nobody harm. No-one alive.”
– Judas (Jesus Christ Superstar)

***

“You’re a Eurotrash colon lying down.”

Open Letter to Umlaut

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“If wishes were horses, we’d all be eatin’ steak.”
– Jane (from Firefly)

***

(Kitty's Revenge!)

Kitty’s revenge!

“Who died and made you suck?”
– The Vandals

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“Supporting Israel doesn’t mean you’re pro-Jewish. It just means you want all the Jews a half a world away to fulfill our Biblical prophecy.”
– “Reverend” Jim Osborne (of the Landover Baptist Church)

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“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
– Author Unknown

***

“A great many things are dying very violently all the time. The best days for violent deaths are Tuesdays. They are the yellow paint days. Saturdays are second best, or worst. Saturdays are red paint days. The great death game is therefore a contest between red paint days and yellow paint days. So far yellow paint days are winning by 31 corpses to 29. Whatever the color, a violent death is always celebrated by a firework.”
– Smut, Drowning by Numbers

***

“America! You’re an unfriendly waitress with bad cappuccino.”
– The Foremen

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“He said, that’d be the last thing I ever do is shoot mahself, …which it was.”
– Vernon Florida.

***

“I’d rather be damned if I don’t.”
– Robert McNamara

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“right after daddy gets home from the bar
visits his bookie and steals a new car
he’ll drive to the strip club
and if daddy plays his cards right
he’ll bring home your new mommy tonight”
– Lullaby, Stephen Lynch

***

“We’re raising up our standard, so you can lower yours.
We’ll see ya slashed and slandered and abandoned on the shores.
It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
Bring on the media whores!”
– The Foremen

***

“When you get in bed with ultimate evil, my friend, it always takes the covers.”
– The Tick

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“Neither party ever gains any insight or learns from these encounters. They never sit down and discuss their differences. Repeated defeats do not teach Bluto to honour Olive Oyl’s humanity, and repeated pummellings do not teach Popeye to swallow his spinach before the fight.”
– Walter Wink, Facing the Myth of Redemptive Violence

***

“”Jesus… ah, son, let me tell you about Jesus. You see, son, Jesus is a man, but sometimes, he’s also an idea – kind of like Salvadore Dali painting. You ever see a Dali painting, son? You ever see that melting clock face picture? Jesus is like that. Like a bunch of clocks, melting against various wood finishes. Jesus is like… well, it’s kind of like this, son. Picture an apple covered in a layer of smooth butter, and lacquered with sweet syrup. Now picture this candied apple resting upon a melted clock – you know, like that one in the Dali painting. Now picture the melted clock spinning, and slowly turning, and in the background, the Moscow Red Army Choir is performing Ave Maria.

“You see, son, Jesus, well, Jesus is kind of like that. Now you go and reflect.”

– Mithie (from rpg.net)

***

“I’ll fold you into my wallet and spend you on a whore.”
– The Terror

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“Every time a child gets health care, an angel loses its virginity in a rather inventive manner.”
– Mrs. Betty Bowers

***

“And if I want to eat your soul, I’ll just throw it on the griddle. Don’t need to make a deal. I don’t need to tell a riddle. And fuck Charlie Daniels! I don’t care if he can fiddle. I’m Satan.”
– Stephen Lynch

***

“There’s a mackerel of a cornflake for you.”
– Line cut from A Clockwork Orange

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“The position that private action, however deplorable, is not a fit subject for government action puts libertarians in the position of repeating simultaneously all the things that are wrong with the world and their resolute determination to do nothing about them.”
– Andrew Sabl

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“You could call us Aaron Burr from the way we’re dropping Hamiltons!”
– Lazy Sunday

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“Every Time I see your face. Every tie my shoes.”

– The Butthole Surfers

***

“In the Beginning there was nothing, not even time. No planets, no stars, no hip-hop, no rhyme. Then there was a bang like the sound of my gat. The universe began and the shit was phat.”

– M.C. Hawking, A Brief History of Rhyme

***

“Start wearing purple for me now.”
– Gogol Bordello

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“Shout-out to the girl who wanted the Japanese kanji for “luck” to represent her Irish heritage.”
– S.K. Williams (employee at a tattoo shop)

***

“A bit more violent than Brahms, but it’s pretty good.”
– Lemmy

***

“Vilmar, a traveling salesman, whose 10.4 year old Opel became stuck in a 3 meter deep snow bank during blizzard in rural Schleswig-Holstein. It took Vilmar several hours to trudge through the deep snow drifts to the nearest farm house with a light on. Frozen half to death, Vilmar finally reached the front door and knocked on it. When Berke, a grizzled old farmer, answered the door, Vilmar pleaded for a place to spend the night. “Sure, young man, I can give you a place to sleep,” said the hospitable old man. “But, I have no daughter for you to sleep with.”
– Dingfod from Freethought Forums

The Straight Shooter Who Isn’t!

27 Sunday May 2012

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I really love these 1800 Tequilla commercials!

By “love” I probably mean something else. But seriously, how can you not love a commercial that tells someone to drink like a man? A man oughtta dress like a man, and drink like a man, right? Mostly, remember to drink like a man!

Can these guys be just a little more flagrant about their use of peer-pressure? I get that it’s supposed to be fun, and I get that Michael Imperioli is doing a character (and by ‘get’ I probably mean ‘hope’), but this reminds me of the bad-guys in after-school specials and 70s sitcoms. I can practically hear someone in the background telling Greg Brady how all the cool kids are smoking. Seriously boy, drink like a man.

Drink like a man!

But that is nowhere near as golden as this next commercial. See that straight-shootin’ celebrity spokesman there. Proximo (the folks who make 1800 Tequila) wanted a non-nonse kind of guy for this campaign. According to Elwyn Gladstone, Vice President of Marketing; “The roles (Imperioli) has played in his acting career have made him an icon within American popular culture. Just like 1800 Tequila, he’s not going to be pushed around. He tells it like it is.”

I can see what they are talking about too. Other people get distracted by silly fluff and frivolous distractions, but not Imperioli. He’s a no-nonsense kind of guy, one who gets right to the heart of the matter!

…which is exactly why he sells Tequila by talking about cars.

This is Really Gross: You Probably Shouldn’t Read It!

10 Thursday May 2012

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Very Bad!

I may have mentioned in the ‘About’ section of this blog that I count an episode of projectile vomiting among my greatest accomplishments?

Okay, that’s gross right? Yeah, but it’s not going to stop me from giving you a long-winded and over-dramatic account of the whole thing. Best leave this post now if you have any sense whatsoever!

I dabbled in Speech and debate a little when I first got into college. My school had a great debate team at the time, all owing to the coach, but that coach was the absolute worst driver you ever met in your life. It was really amazing. If he wasn’t speeding up, he was slowing down (I mean foot on the break, because by then we were closing rapidly in on somebody’s rear bumper) and if he wasn’t drifting steadily left he was drifting steadily right. To make matters worse, the man had a very small vehicle, and he would often engage in serious discussion or coaching as he drove. So, while riding along you had to concentrate WHILE holding down your lunch and praying to the gods that you would make it to your actual destination.

It was awful!

Still Worse!

One day I had agreed to help in the tab room for a High School Debate Tournament. I caught a ride down to campus that Saturday morning and waited to get picked up for the trip out to the high school. I had some time to kill, so I ate breakfast, …well the sort of breakfast I ate back then. It was a Super Big Gulp of Pepsi and a row of donut gems from a 7-11. I horked them down in no time because I was suddenly very hungry. Along comes the coach and stuffs me in the back seat of his vehicle, then shoves a pile of paperwork into my lap and tells me to read names to another student in the front seat. The coach hadn’t done his preparation yet, and so he was trying to get things in order as we drove over to the tournament. …yes, reading in the car will normally do me in. Reading with that driver was bound to be REALLY BAD. And then it dawns on me that slamming a Super Big Gulp and a row of donut gems might have been a mistake.

…definitely was a mistake.

The Coach was in rare form. He read documents of his own while double checking the other student’s paperwork as he drove. We veered toward this wall and that car, screeched to a halt just before hitting that bumper, all the while checking paperwork.

And of course, the donut gems want to come back up pretty much whole at this point.

Then we started to smell gas. It was overwhelming! Turns out the guy directly ahead of us on the Freeway had some sort of a leak, so the coach decides to catch up to warn him. Now, his worse-than-usual driving was compounded by his impression of Starsky and Hutch, and the man still expected me to read names to the other student. The other driver seemed to be in a hurry, so the effort to catch him involved a lot of weaving through traffic. …with gas fumes coming into the vehicle, me turning very green, and “…uh, Jeremy Ditweiler, yeah that’s with an e i.”

(Okay, I made up the name, but you get the idea.)

About half way there I realize with absolute certainty that everything I slammed before getting picked up IS coming back up sooner or later, probably sooner. The donut gems are so determined that I feel sure they will find their way back to the wrapper and replace themselves on the shelf at the 7-11. All with the prospect of a full day’s work ahead of me.

…more names.

We never do catch the gas-spilling driver. It takes about 30 minutes total time on the road before we pull into the High School parking lot. It takes a couple more minutes to get out because we aren’t done yet with the paperwork. I could have killed to breathe fresh air, and the coach insisted we finish whatever the Hell task it was we were doing. The other student weighed at least 400 pounds (though I believe it was closer to 600, …honestly), and it took him forever to get out of the tiny car. Then we fumble with the broken seat and finally push it forward, all just so I could scramble out in a state of panic. For some reason I didn’t mention this to anyone, …but I was in my own little private Hell at that point.

(The story is just going to get worse from here folks, you really might want to click on one of those links in my Blogroll and go find an author with better taste than I have.)

So, I finally stepped out into the fresh air, and I got about 2 steps before the urge to purge overtook me. It wasn’t much. I was very discreet and I don’t think any of the many folks around us realized just why I leaned down next to that little bush.

(Note how I brag about my discretion at the time as if I had any credibility on the subject while telling THIS story. That’s called ‘irony’ folks. Can you say; ‘Irony’?)

I knew that little mini-purge was just a taste of things to come, …literally. I could feel the misery building within me as I debated what to do next. Out here would be better than on the floor in the building, but best of all would be in a garbage can or a bathroom stall. I stood there for a moment and assessed the situation. “It’s not coming yet,” I thought, “I may have a chance…”

I  power-walked into the High School, trying to hit that perfect balance that enhances speed without jarring things too much. I thought I was going to lose it with every fricking step. Every single step seemed to court disaster, and with enough witnesses to make it a truly humiliating experience. The walk seemed to take forever.

And then did it! I actually made it into the High School. I grew very nervous at this point because I didn’t want the upcoming event to occur on the carpet. But at least a final resting place for the donut gems ought to be on the horizon.I just kept dreaming about a trash can or a toilet stall.

So, why was this bathroom locked? That one too? And where are the others?

It turns out that all the bathrooms were locked AND all the garbage cans had been hauled off somewhere. That’s right; it was a Saturday, and someone forgot to tell the cleaning staff that there would be hundreds of people in the building this weekend. So, NONE of the bathrooms were open and the garbage cans were all GONE. I walked/ran from one bathroom to the other, and one after another they all proved to be locked. ALL OF THEM!

At this point I felt like I was dying, because I knew the food was coming back up any moment. I will never get back outside in time; the donut gems are coming back and they are bringing Hell with them.

Then I got lucky.

I tried the teacher’s bathroom door for the second time, and (praise be!) this time it was open. With an immense sigh of relief, I walked/ran into it. At last I could find a place to let go of my burdens. My ever so heavy burdens! Sweet Jesus, I have never been so happy to find a bathroom in all my life. I think I actually prayed for the damn thing, and at the time I must have counted it as proof positive that there is indeed a God in Heaven, because He had just provided me a bathroom in my moment of need.

But then…

With one foot in the door I experienced a violent spasm. It felt like my stomach had just lowered its shoulders and launched into my heart and lungs like the biggest lineman on your favorite football team. (I don’t do sports metaphors often so you have to cut me some slack with the imagery here.) Anyway, the point is that bad things were happening in my belly and I wasn’t going to get another step before seeing those donut gems one more time. The bathroom was empty, so I was okay there, but the obvious targets were closed to me. A single toilet rested behind a closed stall door to my left, and the garbage can was covered a few steps off to the right. No time to open it. Disappointment gripped my soul. All that effort and I was going to fail within sight of my goal. But then…

Hope!

A sink stood on the other side of the bathroom. Nothing between me and that beautiful, sparkling clean receptacle. One last chance to send my meal somewhere besides the floor, and believe me, I took it. I aimed the upcoming surge toward the sink, and I ran up on the back end of it as I went.

Success!

The launch literally began in the doorway across the room, but I’m telling you not one drop spilled on the floor. I got it all in the sink. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t done it myself. Right there on that very day!

Yeah that’s right. I am the projectile vomiting king of the world I tell ya! I could not have been more proud.

That was still a miserable day, cause I had the worst headache after that, and I remained dizzy for several hours. I do recall hearing gossip about the filthy sink in the teacher’s bathroom, but I saw no reason to enlighten anyone. I couldn’t even look at the debate coach, because that would have fallen far short of killing him, which is what the bastard deserved. Oh, but that one moment was glorious. I so narrowly avoided disaster and somehow managed the impossible. Heck a part of me wanted to go back and measure the distance as I felt quite certain it was some sort of record, an athletic accomplishment of sorts. It may have been a disgusting glory, but some days you just take what you can get.

***

My dear reader, did you actually stick with me through this entire abomination? That’s disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself.

A Moment in an Airport

07 Monday May 2012

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So, I am sitting here waiting on my meal at the airport in Anchorage. I have an Alaskan Amber Ale sitting in a tall glass in front of me. The glass is narrow on the bottom and wide at the top. Light penetrates the bottom portion of the glass, but the top is a rich dark brown.

I notice something odd, a faint ring is rising up from the bottom of the glass, catching the light as it goes. For just a moment I have no idea what I am looking at, then I realize it is a thin layer of ice from the chilled glass. a bit like a ring of smoke, it moves slowly, dissipating as it rises into the darkness. Nothing reaches the top.

I wonder, have I ever seen that before?

I really need to drink beer more often.

Kitten BBQ and All Around Orgie this Saturday – Bring Your Own Tabby.

29 Thursday Dec 2011

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It’s official, northierthanthou.com has been added to The Atheist Blogroll.
You can see the blogroll in my sidebar. (If you click it, you will go!) The Atheist blogroll is a community building service provided free of charge to Atheist bloggers from around the world. If you would like to join, visit Mojoey at Deep Thoughts for more information.

May her Horniness, the Invisible Pink Unicorn bless us all, but we’ll have none of that Pastafarian nonsense here at northierthanthou. Splitters!

My Novel

17 Monday Oct 2011

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Okay, so let’s start with the protagonist. He is from somewhere in sub-saharan Africa. We’ll call him Mbaté Ngu(click)ulu. Now Mbaté is a dedicated man. He has devoted his entire life to his people in the capacity of Deputy Foreign Minister to his nation. Now as a result of some coup backed by an opportunistic multinational corporation, Mbaté and his entire government is out, and Mbaté doesn’t quite know what to do. Having access to almost a hundred million dollars, Mbaté knows that he can’t access it directly or the bastards that stole his country will just get him and his money. So, he goes online where he begins contacting people. He has a short list of trustworthy individuals, all provided by mutual friends, and Mbaté knows that with the help of just one of these people, he will yet save the day…

It’s a heartbreaking story of one man’s quest to find a helping hand in an increasingly cynical world. You too will be caught up in Mbaté’s struggle to find help. You’ll laugh; you’ll cry. You’ll probably go to the bathroom at least once. (Seriously, you’ll want to take Mbaté with you.) Because poor Mbaté isn’t going to have it easy, and this epic struggle is not resolved overnight.

Thankfully though, Mbaté will not have to do all of this alone. With the help of his friends, a Viagra salesman, a IRS man with a a bunch of checks for you and me, and an army of horny MILFs just looking for someone to have sex with (no strings attached), Mbaté may yet succeed in finding a single trusting soul, just one person willing to help him secure the means of helping his own people.

Stay tuned for “Mbaté’s Plea,” coming in the Spring of 2012, 2013, or even 2014, if that’s really necessary. Mbaté will soldier on for as long as it takes.

A Blog is Born!

16 Sunday Oct 2011

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So why “northierthanthou?” The simple truth is that “The Village Atheist” is taken. I had lots of ideas for that theme, but some bastard beat me to it. Short of sending the goons, I have to come up with something different. I suppose “Dan’s Authentic Tacoria and Massage Emporium” is probably available, but I’m not feeling particularly zany today. …might opt for this to that later.

And I really do want to start a business with that name. …Might make it a tropical fish shop.

Anyway, it’s “northierthathou” for the indefinite future, and I will say that this title does have the virtue of being true. As a resident of Barrow, Alaska, I think I can honestly say that I am a lot Northier than the majority of my readers will be, and I takes my comparative virtues where I finds them. So, yes dear reader, with few exceptions I think it is safe to say that I am Northier than you. You may think yourself smarter than me, and perhaps you will be right. You may consider yourself better informed, smarter, or even kinder than I am. And in all those areas, I’ll grant you the case is often easily made. But when it comes to Northity, dammit, I have that all over the lot of you. I really don’t mean to lord it over the Northy-deficient, but well, …actually, yes I do. Try not to let it get you down folks. Let’s all just acknowledge my superior Northitude and get on with it.